


when the party is over

by aftokrateira



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Female Eren Yeager, Light Angst, Short One Shot, Song: When the Party's Over (Billie Eilish), Toxic Relationship, i wont lie to you i cried writing this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:49:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29597874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftokrateira/pseuds/aftokrateira
Summary: the image of a sparrow trapped in a bush came to mind. It was so tangled up that every time it moved, the thorns kept digging deeper and deeper into its body and it would eventually die. but the sparrow of her thoughts didn't seem to mind the pain of the thorns. It seemed comfortable.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Eren Yeager
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	when the party is over

**Author's Note:**

> yo, i cried writing this shit.  
> i recommend you to listen to "when the party's over" by billie eyelash while reading, to taste the pain.
> 
> TW: CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND VIOLENCE.

The smoke rose to get lost in the darkness of the night. Ashes fell onto the window ledge, mixing with dust, leaves, and cigarette butts that had been left there.

She could tell that this was her favorite moment, if there was such a thing in her life. Was there really something that she enjoyed? She thought for a few seconds and sighed, exhaling more smoke. _I think not_ , she thought, crushing the cigar and leaving it there, steaming. When she turned around, she could just make out his figure, asleep like a child who has had nightmares. He was hunched under the covers, stiff and sweaty. She knew he would wake up at any moment, so she sneakily went back to the bed and lay down next to him. She stroked his arm gently and he responded to the gesture, moving closer. She brought a hand to his head and gently ran her fingers through the blonde strands. She looked at him carefully, as she used to do the last nights. Whenever she did, she was filled with a feeling of bitterness, of hatred. Tenderness and obsession. It was not a lie that he knew her better than anyone. He knew her deepest secrets and he was the only one who hadn't turned his back on her. Not like Armin. Not like Mikasa. And she loved him. And she hated him. Because that made her weak and she did not want to be weak, much less for love.

Love had killed her mother. She knew it and the thought sickened her. Her mother had been cowardly and stupid. She hated her. She hated her for being so dumb, for being selfish.  
She could still remember the feeling of finding her hanging from the ceiling of her room: just like if someone had pushed her into a bottomless black well. Alone. Hopeless. She clicked her tongue, feeling the spark of her anger ignite within her. Whenever she thought of her mother, she thought of her father, whom she hated even more. It had all been his fault. Her mother had been fooled by him but she had not. She thought of the scornful stares and rejection that she had been the victim of by this man and his family. Reduced to an illegitimate and unrecognized mistake. She was condemned to live in the shadows, living off the leftovers of her father.

"Are you okay?" She turned when she felt his cold hand on hers, which rested on her belly. She couldn't see his face well, but she knew that his eyes would reflect an inordinate concern.

  
"Yes," she replied dryly. There were a few seconds of silence and then he hugged her. She remained rigid, not quite giving in to the gesture. She did not need comfort. She didn't want consolation. He kissed her temple and stroked her arms with trembling softness, as if he was afraid of hurting her. She couldn't help but think how stupid it was that he believed he could protect her. She turned so they could face each other. She parted her lips, but she really didn't know what to say. What could she really tell him? She could tell him that she loved him and that always made him happy. She could cry so he would hold her tighter and find a way to comfort her. She might yell at him, hit him, and force him to beg forgiveness for something silly. He was like a rag doll. Soft and stupid. Manageable. Adorable and comforting at times but boring most of the time. He was broken, like her. He too had fallen into the same pit, but he was terrified of the dark instead of being embraced by it.

  
She finally gave in, snuggling against his chest, allowing him to wrap his arms around her. She sighed heavily. She slowly felt approached by the unpleasant taste of guilt. It was bitter and sour and made her stomach turn. It made her look like she really was her and nobody likes that.

The image of a sparrow trapped in a bush came to her mind. He was so tangled up that every time he moved, the thorns kept digging deeper and deeper into his body and he would eventually die. But the sparrow of her thoughts did not seem to mind the pain of her thorns. He seemed comfortable.

_"Don't you know I'm no good for you?"_

She closed her eyes and he hugged her tighter. And it was suffocating and warm. And sweet and undeserved. She knew she shouldn't be there. And yet she wasn't willing to let him go.  
Maybe that's why she was so obsessed with him. Because despite her pain and sadness and trauma, he was capable of loving her. To love her and let her destroy him. Even though it wasn't mutual.

"You're very stupid." she murmured. He did not answer. He knew it.


End file.
